Chaperones Gone Wild

I took personal days on Monday and Tuesday of this week to spend time with my son.  The thought process was that we would beat all of the summer crowds.  Our itinerary: the zoo and an amusement park.  I didn't account for field trips though.  

Yellow buses were abundant at both locations.

The buses unloaded countless children and their chaperones.

You know...those adults who are selected to accompany the youngsters as they leave the confines of the school and go out into the world for some real life educational opportunities.  

I've been fortunate to have had busloads of great chaperones in my past.  Unfortunately, the faculty and staff at "School from Maine I shall not name" can not say the same.  Not only did they not have good chaperones.  They had really REALLY bad ones.

Chaperone #1: 

Location: In the goat petting/feeding area 

She was screaming into her cell phone.  Based on the "conversation" I overheard, I assume it was a battle with an ex over child support.  Either that or she was holding a kid for ransom.  Either way she was inappropriate.  She stood screaming into her phone, "I can't F-ing argue with you now, I'm on an F-ing field trip.  You get me the F-ing money by Friday or you won't see him this weekend."  This would be bad enough on it's own, but when you factor in that A) she didn't leave out the 3 letters in "F-ing" that I opted to omit and B) behind her was a child she was supposed to be watching pressed against a fence with several hungry goats frantically trying to get the ice cream cone filled with food that he held high above his head then it is really bad.

Chaperones #s 2 and 3: 

Location: same goat feeding area

These lovely ladies were so busy talking smack about Chaperone #1 that they were oblivious to the goat poop fight going on with the kids they were scheduled to watch behind them.

Chaperone #4: 

Location: sitting on a wall outside the main entrance to the zoo (with her legs far enough apart to show the world that she dressed the part of the field trip to the zoo by wearing animal print underwear) and smoking.  

As another group passed by her she said, "If you see any of the kids in my group let them know I'm out here.  I needed a butt."

and my personal favorite...

in fact, I officially award her the Trip's Best Chaperone trophy.

Because, unlike the others, she took the time to make sure the children were safe and accounted for.  

Chaperone #5

Location: Outside the restrooms

I'm not sure where she thought the field trip bus would take her to, but she was wearing what looked to be a swimsuit and a pool cover up...to the zoo.  I  watched as she physically took the hands of what appeared to be 3rd grade boys and made a human chain out of them.  She took one boy's hand and put it on a fence post.  She then took the other boys by the hand and connected them so that her final product was four 8/9 year old boys holding hands while one secured them to a fence with his fist.  Satisfied that they were not going to get away she barked at them...

in a voice that you can only achieve by smoking a pack a day for at least a decade

"Don't none of you think of letting go or leaving this spot.  If you do you're gunna have to deal with me when I come out. I gotta go take a whiz!"

And with that she turned and went into the bathroom leaving the linked boys frozen in fear.

Seriously.

They didn't so much blink while she "went to take a whiz!"

Clearly they respected her authority.  Perhaps she was the principal of this fine, fine school.